(A short play with Raconteur in Raven costume, two potted shrubs, Buckbrush and Manzanita, an Owl masked banjo player, a jaw harp twanger, painted cardboard cutouts of Salmon, River, Hills, Big Tree, and Fox held and waved in background. Players wear dark clothes and hoodies.
During the whole play, Raven-the-Raconteur fiddles with notes and pretends to be confused, leaving pauses for effect and applause.)
(Raven wanders on stage and checks in with shrubs, looks out into the audience and asks: “Where are the critters?”
“Coming” says a voice from the side “we didn’t think we were on so soon!”.
Four critters file on quickly from back stage and start drone noises. Props up and waving.)
Raven:
Good Evening! We are Confessor Black and the Critters. We came to crash this party and say a few words. First, please meet our colleagues Buck Musk Red and L’il Apple.
Ceanothus cuneatus 
Arctostaphylos patula
(Raven tickles the small shrubs, still wet with rain from outside. Raven leans forward and pronounces:)
We have been watching you!
The first Humans who came here a long time ago, we got along with well enough. But the second wave, who came so little ago but with such impact, shot a lot at us and treated us harsh.
You-all are the third wave and we thank you for shooting less. We are especially appreciative of all the eggs that we have enjoyed. We think you-all sloppy farmers, leaving the coop so open and allowing pasture nests. But we really like those eggs! Thanks!
(Raven holds out the left hand and cradles a big imaginary egg and squeezes it provocatively.)
We have noticed that you-all stress a bit about sex. We think Humans are slackers. Let me fill you-all in about Sneaky Sex at a Distance and Polymorphous Perversity.
We collaborated many of your centuries ago with Carlos Linnaeus, a dirty old Swede for sure. He doted on the perceived polymorphous perversity that he found everywhere in Nature.
Here for example is Buck Musk Red. They like to build complicated towers with divicarate branching interlocking to support penthouse condominiums with multiple bedrooms in every sky-view wing.
Each wing contains five bedrooms with five beds and the blankets are all green and the sheets all white. In the middle of each bed, up on a pedestal, sit Three Queens with sticky bonnets. The Queens are always on top!
Arrayed around the Three Queens are what we may call the Consorts. Although they might better be called Supplicants. The five Supplicants hover out in the blankets and the Queens pretend to accept their offerings but the Queens are waiting.
At last, Package Delivery arrives and crashes the bed wiggling in between the Supplicants and the Queens. The Supplicants give up their gifts to the Great Hairy-ness and the Queens indulge the intrusion to participate in SNEAKY SEX AT A DISTANCE.
Sort of like Quantum Mechanics!
The condo plumbing provides each bed with sweet drinks and perfume. The Hairy Horde flies in, lapping up the neighborhood. When the three babies under each of the Three Queens are ripe, the nine are catapulted explosively from the beds. The Queens have had enough of them and they fly up to ten meters arching up and over adjacent brush.
When you-all up in the bushes to peruse your porn, the packets landing in your lap are thrown there by exuberant Queens glad to be rid of them. You-all might notice some small seeds pocking and clicking on the paper and sliding into your crack. And next let us turn to L’il Apple here. A fine lovely shrub with a hot temper.
(Raven bows respectfully to the potted shrub.)
As her associate Buck Musk Red has done, L’il Apple builds towers with rafts of condos perched on the view wings. She has red carpets and green coins as decor and is emblazoned with pink way earlier than the other brush species. Her sheets are pulled up over her head and the Supplicants are tucked into the plumbing, down below the
one perched Queen,. She is also patiently waiting for visitors, always on top of the bed, gazing longingly out the skylight. Package delivery shows up as expected and she has her longed-for SNEAKY SEX AT A DISTANCE. When her three babies are ripe and cloaked in carbs, she feeds them to the Bears.
(Raven pauses to allow disgust at such mothering.)
As our condo developers grow old, they still like to party. They have been saving up senescent carbon for a big blow out. When the time comes, They BURN DOWN THE HOUSE. Out of the ashes, the next generation rises, turgid and well nourished, fungals waiting to interpenetrate.
Stiff and erect, Buck Musk Red and L’il Apple reincarnate, then endeavor to rebuild the ramifications of sky-view estate condos.
(Raven straighten up and pronounces:)
We, the critters, are not surprised with your Human attempts at Polymorphous Perversity. Nice try.
We are always watching you-all, from multitudinous perspectives!
We are Confessor Black and the Critters, THERE ARE NO SECRETS!!!
Show us what you-all got.
(Raven steps directly and erectly to the exit, waddling just a bit. The critters scatter. The Cabaret line-up continues, salaciously as usual.)
and so it went…